The Pyramids at Gizeh by Edward Lear (19th c.), modified. Keiga the Tide Star by Ittoku.
Today's post is going to rankle some feathers, offend some sensibilities and expose this author as the relative noob he is in the world of Magic the Gathering. I'm going to talk about three things I would do to the game of Magic to make it more intuitive, easier to understand and just plain better. One is relatively minor, one is so big they would never do it, and the last only impacts multiplayer, but as an avid EDH player it has occurred to me more than once. I'll start with the non-starter. Fixing Lifelink I'm starving.
I eat a jelly bean.
Am I full?
Of course not. The question is ridiculous on its face. If I hadn't eaten in days, a single jelly bean isn't going to do the job.
This is Magic the Gathering, so let's pose the same question in a more fantasy/horror themed way. Let's say I'm a writer and I'm writing a gothic horror novella.
A vampire has been trapped in a box, and finally gets out after months of being captured. He is weak and needs sustenance badly. With his heightened reflexes, even in this weakened state he manages to grab a rat. Not even a rat - the thing is tiny. It's more of a vole than anything, but he eats it anyways because blood is blood and what are you gonna do?
I'm hoping to be the next Bram Stoker or better yet, the next Anne Rice.
Is this tiny little meal enough to return our vampire to full healthy, ready to run around and do vampire things? Is he fully recovered?
Of course not. I might not be that great a writer or storyteller but it's obvious that a heartier meal would be required.
Let's get back to Magic The Gathering. When I first learned how to play Magic, it baffled me that when you swing with a 10/10 with lifelink and it's blocked by a 1/1, you still gain 10 life. That made no sense to me. I struggled to find any metaphor that would help and could adequately explain why lifelink works the way it does.
For those who don't know, a 10/10 that is blocked by a 1/1 will gain its controller 10 life. Yes, 10 life. Even though it hit a 1/1. I know, you're used to it and I should just accept what I can't change, right? The Magic rules for lifelink break some basic laws of physics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That does not apply here, and it's always bothered me. Hit a 1/1 with a 50/50 and sure, the 1/1 gets squashed, but it makes absolutely no sense for 50 life to be gained if lifelink is part of the equation. What makes sense and would be intuitive is that the amount of damage done in combat cannot exceed the combined toughness of all blocking creatures. Magic will never change this weird wrinkle of its rules, but I will always find it frustrating that a game designed by such smart people would have such an unintuitive aspect to its combat mechanics.
Author's Note:
I have left the section below largely in its original form but felt the need to comment after much discussion and rightful criticism on social media (Facebook). I have never heard or used "spaz" in a derogatory way but thought of it as a funny term to describe someone out of control (i.e. having a temper tantrum). After much negative feedback I did a little research (http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/myl/languagelog/archives/003020.html) and found out that the term is used as a slur on the same level as the term "retard". I had intended the next section to be humorous and am chastened to learn how many people claim to have taken offense to it. I didn't intend or anticipate that, nor did I fully grasp how the word is understood. I do now, and if there are those who are hurt by my words please accept my sincerest apologies.
Add A New Keyword Here's where folks might get offended. Language changes over time. I've read and re-read the works of J.R.R. Tolkien many times and the word "queer" comes up here and there. My understanding is that "queer" simply meant strange, and there was no added meaning or subtext meant by its usage. For a modern reader, it's nearly impossible to read the word without having some reaction or at least recognition that "queer" is no longer a word used as a synonym for "out of the ordinary". Zurgo Helmsmasher is a spaz. He attacks each turn, if able. I am well aware that there are those who might take offense to the term "spaz" because it can be seen as a derogatory reference to someone who suffers from spasms or seizures.
I think of the word "spaz" as meaning someone who cannot control themselves physically or emotionally, and it cracks me up to think that instead of saying "Zurgo Helmsmasher attacks each turn if able", we might simply say "Zurgo Helmsmasher has Spaz", or even better, "Zurgo is a spaz." If that makes me a "bad guy", so be it. I'm a bad guy. Maybe I'm a product of my times and my sense of humor reflects the fact that I am nearly 50 years old and probably out of touch with the sensibilities of young people in 2017. My intention is not to offend anyone and if you choose to be offended... well, I don't see why anyone would choose to be offended, but that's up to you. You can think or say what you like, but to me Zurgo is and will always be a spaz. I imagine him as being an overgrown child having a nearly constant temper tantrum, and that never fails to amuse me. The Yard Card Mill is mediocre in Commander. We all know it and there's an easy way to fix it. The basic problem is that we're playing multiplayer. You can benefit in many ways from loading up your opponent's graveyard. There are lots of cards that let you pull creatures from graveyards back to the battlefield, send cards into exile, or benefit from the number of certain types of cards that have been buried.
The problem comes when you mill too effectively. If you force an opponent to draw a card and there's no card there to draw, they're out of the game. Good for you, but their graveyard no longer affects the game. If you have permanents that depend upon all that work you did to build up that graveyard you just lost all that accumulated value. Given the length of Commander games, it's not reasonable to require players to stick around after they've been eliminated. They might have other plans that make it so they simply can't hang out for another 10 minutes, let alone the hours and hours that some commander games can last. They also might want to jump into another game so they might need their deck to play at another table.
The easiest way to solve this problem is to still count their graveyard even after they have been eliminated. We could use a "Yard Card" to log all pertinent information about a graveyard that you might need to have available after a player has been eliminated from a game.
If nobody is playing any decks that use opponents' graveyards, no problem - just don't bother with it at all. If someone has a card that needs to know how many cards are in everyone's graveyard, count up the eliminated player's yard, write that number down and they are free to go. If you need to know some other number, make sure to write it down as well. Did you lose a bet and you're stuck running Cantivore in your mono-white deck? First, I'm sorry. Second, make sure to count up those enchantments because you shouldn't get screwed out of a little extra power and toughness just because you outlived an opponent. What if you're playing The Mimeoplasm and there are some juicy targets in that player's graveyard? Write those target creatures on the "Yard Card" and they are still legal targets provided you have a way to confirm those creatures' specs and abilities. Can the "Yard Card" get exiled or affected by the game? Of course it can - it's a stand in for the eliminated player's graveyard and should be treated as such in every way possible. If you forget to get some key information when the eliminated player leaves, that's your problem. Know what your deck will be concerned with and get the numbers and card names you think you might need later on. If the eliminated player is big baby and gets all mad because they were eliminated and refuses to let you count up their graveyard, treat them like someone who scoops. Don't play with them again - they are a child and need to learn to lose gracefully and with honor. The only way to teach sportsmanship is to have consequences for bad behavior. Don't reward temper tantrums and misbehavior...
Final Thoughts Today's post was something of a mish-mash of random ideas that I've had kicking around. I an well aware that there's little chance any of these will ever get added to the game, but I hope some of it was thought-provoking and worth the read.
What would YOU change if you had the power to change Magic the Gathering? Would you change the way deathtouch-trample functions? Would you add new keywords or give everything banding? While such things may be impossible in the real world, any regular reader will know I enjoy a good brainstorming session. I hope you enjoyed this one.
Thanks for reading!
